Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.